Dreams of Heaven

I woke up the other day in the middle of a dream.  I hate that, I always struggle with feeling tired and the restless feeling like I'm missing out on the ending.

It was even worse because I was dreaming of Jeff.  It was a storyline that never existed: a trip to Montreal and dinner at a Belgian restaurant (Seriously, this was a dream it doesn't have to make sense).  And while the trip was not real, all of Jeff's reactions were predictably true to form including some arm waving.  It felt so true and so real that I was a wreck the rest of the day.

It didn't help that the topic of this week's sermon was on Heaven.  Heaven has been a topic of conversation in my house lately.  My four year old is tossing out some tough comments in regards to Daddy in Heaven.  Every night we kiss Daddy's picture (we also kiss two pictures of J2 as a baby... just so you know he's well rounded).  In the past few weeks Jeff has been on J2's mind a lot.  He talks about how I cry, he talks about Daddy dying, he talks about Daddy in Heaven and how we all miss Daddy and that we are all sad.  I tell him that Daddy loves him and that Daddy watches us from Heaven.  He is OK with the love.  He isn't buying the watching part: because Daddy doesn't have eyes.  I'm stumped.  I really don't know how to get into a philosophical discussion of Heaven with a 4 year old so I'm taking the wimps way out and I just let the topic drop.  But I think it bothers him which is why he brings it up so much.  How can Daddy watch over him if he doesn't have eyes?

And I wonder, does he watch from above? Should he?  I mean, we are struggling down here.  It would cause me immeasurable upset to see Jeff struggle in a similar fashion.  Isn't Heaven peaceful?  There is nothing peaceful about watching our lives unfold.  I tell the boys that Daddy watches us because I want them to still feel connected to Jeff.  But I'll be honest with you, I don't buy it.  If I was running things in Heaven I wouldn't let Jeff watch his loved ones suffer.  I wouldn't let him see all the things he is missing.  I would wipe his memory so that he could go about in Heaven unaware of the life that he left behind so that he could be at peace. 

It has not been an easy few days for me with all of these thoughts and questions swirling around in my mind.  There are things we will never know and understand.  Things we are always meant to question or take on faith.

I don't question that Jeff is in Heaven.  If anyone deserved a spot up there, it was him.  I am just struggling with faith and the commentary of a 4 year old who sees the world literally.

I wonder how to make him see?

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife

Adventures

This past weekend I found myself next to my child, clinging to a strap on an inflatable raft being pulled behind a boat at what felt like 30 mph (I don't need to know how fast we were really going, because my son was wrong: we did not need to go faster).  And I had one of those "how did I get here?" moments.

It isn't that I'm not adventurous, I am.  I am usually the one jumping in first when others are taking a step back.  Hiking, riding, boating, rafting, I've done a lot and I'm pretty comfortable with most wild and crazy things... like roller coasters. 

I realized something in the past 15 months: I had taken a step back.  This had nothing to do with a new found level of sanity after I had kids but the desire to allow Jeff to take front and center with the boys.  I think it was because I has home with the kids all day and I had a lot of experiences with the boys that I knew Jeff would never have.  I got to see them roll over, crawl, pull up, and walk first.  So, I would often step back and let Jeff do the "fun" activities while I took pictures.  This is also why 99.9% of the pictures of the boys have Jeff in them and not me.

This is an area that I would say is a positive change.  I am now the one on the roller coaster, on the raft, in the water, sliding with the boys, building the snowman, and taking hundreds of really bad "selfie" pictures to capture the moments. 

I know how I got on the raft: I got there because Jeff is gone.  I miss Jeff and I never fully enjoy any of these activities because a part of my heart wishes he was still here to enjoy them with us. But I am having fun in my new adventures with the boys.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife