There Are No Words

I know you mean well.  You know I hurt and you want to say the right thing.  You want to be kind and compassionate and caring.  You want to say something that will make me feel better.

I love you for that.  Really.  But honestly, there are no words to accomplish that goal.  So I give you a pass. You don't even have to try.  I know and you know and that is all there is too it.  There isn't much to say other than "this sucks" or "this is a shitty time" or that you are "thinking of me" or "praying for me" that's enough.  Don't hurt yourself trying to find the right thing to say.  I don't expect it from you.

On the flip side of that.  Don't be surprised if I'm honest.  Truly honest with where I am.  I am in a dark place a really bad place mentally.  Just as one can be "little bits pregnant" I am "little bit depressed".  And I'm OK with owning up to that.  So if you ask me how I am, I will tell you "not good".  If you follow up -- the answer has mostly been "It's February".

February and I are just going to have to agree to disagree.  I have not had a good month.  I have spent this time second guessing every decision I made 2 years ago something that makes me sad as well as wracked with guilt.  It isn't a good combination.

I am depressed.  But if you subscribe to the 5 Stages of Grief... it's one of them.  I don't think that depression is inherently bad.  I think you can be a functional drepressive just as one can be a functional alcoholic.  The trick is taking stock of yourself every once in a while and determining if you are, in fact, still functional.  This is where good friends and family are key.

It isn't a mystery as to where I am and why I am here.  It is both simple and extrodinarily painful.

I loved him.  And he died.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Widow