I Am So Fucking Broken...
Is what I said as I lay on the floor of my home office. Not because I had broken my left elbow, not because I had thrown my back out (again), not because I had managed to gain back all 80 lbs I lost last year.
No, that is all physical. I'm looking at the metaphysical, I am broken.
In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to just cry. Give in, sob. Go a bit hysterical, maybe have a breakdown - that sounds good. I don't know what you call it. But I was on the cusp. I wanted to go there. But I didn't. I rolled over stood up and made plans for my day.
Doesn't mean I'm not broken. Just means I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
It is awfully simple to say that Jeff's death messed with my mind. But it has. I still have a hard time understanding how a healthy 42 year old man dies in his sleep. I still have a hard time forgiving myself for my role in his death. And now I am reliving every torturous moment with my son J2.
Everything I do now, I think of how I should have/could have done for Jeff. Insist on seizure meds? Done for J2, didn't for Jeff. Second opinion from epilepsy expert, in progress for J2, didn't do for Jeff. Monitor J2 in his sleep, didn't do that for Jeff. Cardiology work up? Done for J2 didn't get a chance to do it for Jeff. I could go on.
I am reliving my mistakes in the most painful way possible, terrified that I might get it wrong the second time around. Terrified that SUDEP could strike twice in my household.
How do you sleep? How do you live? How do you acclimate to this? How?
Damned if I know.
Jeff's Wife/J2's Mother
I am so, so sorry that you have to deal with this. You are strong and you are a phenomemal advocate for J2. I know that Jeff would be so proud of all you have done for getting the word out about SUDEP and how aggressively you are being getting J2 diagnosed to get the best treatment for him, on top of everything else you have done for yourself and your boys. I pray that on the days that you want to remain on the floor, that the love of your friends and family will surround you and provide you with the strength and support you need. XOXO, Ann
ReplyDeleteAli, I am so sorry that there isn't more we can be doing for you right now but I need to get through getting Cookie well. If there is anything you need do not hesitate to ask and I will honestly tell you whether or not I can do. Love your FIL
ReplyDeleteHugs!
ReplyDelete