Some days I have a hard time accepting that Jeff is gone. I know it, I feel it, but I can't figure out how it is possible. My mind takes a break from reality. I start to wonder if this is a parallel universe, like in the movie "Sliding Doors" with Gwenyth Paltrow. One second that can change your life. If I had stayed in bed with Jeff and not gotten up to take a shower this would be a different life I was leading.
What brings me back from this problem is The Urn.
Yes, that is a replica of a Harley Davidson gas tank. What on earth possessed me to buy it? The answer is simple: Jeff. Four years ago we were making our wills and there was a secondary sheet that had questions for your funeral preferences. To be honest we didn't pay attention to it, didn't fill it out. But something must have spoken to Jeff (or he was just bored at work and ran a random Internet search) because a few days later he told me about an urn shaped like a Harley Davidson gas tank. I laughed at him and told him there was no way I would ever buy that for him. Of course, that was up until the day after he died and I needed something to place his ashes in. My father in law quietly asked me if I had any ideas and I told him about the Harley urn. I knew it would be expensive but I didn't care at that moment. I just knew that Jeff would have wanted it and I couldn't imagine anything else to hold him.
I go to The Urn when I'm having a moment of nonacceptance of my new life. I lay my hands on it and sometimes talk to Jeff. It is a harsh reminder that it is all real.
These moments have also lead me to the thought of what to do with Jeff's ashes. I know I cannot keep them forever. One third of the homes in the US have ashes of a loved one stored within. Some are in boxes hidden in closets others are placed prominently on the mantle. At first, I kept Jeff's urn in my room. After about 3 months I decided it wasn't healthy for me to have it so prominent and evoking my grief before bed and I moved the urn down to the living room. I also decided that I needed a place for Jeff to rest permanently that was not within my home.
This is a hard decision and one I haven't carried out yet, but I know it is coming. What to do with the ashes? Jeff never said he wanted his ashes spread or where. He was young, why would he have that thought? So now I have to make a choice without any input from him.
My first thought was that he would want to be spread a the Daytona Speedway. However, I got to thinking this may not be legal and it wasn't going to be an easy place to visit. We live 13 hours away so if we wanted to "visit" it was a long haul. I started to think about what it would mean to my children to have a location to visit. This came into the forefront at the one year anniversary of Jeff's death. With the urn in my living room there was no special place to visit that day. No grave site.
I am considering EcoEternity Forest (http://www.ecoeternity.com/eco-eternity-forest-home.html)
A natural cemetery for ashes so to speak. You buy a tree and with it a plaque that is placed on the tree. Your ashes are then buried in a biodegradable box under the tree. The trees are in a preserved and managed forest. You can buy a family tree or buy into a "community" tree. This will provide us a place to visit.
I haven't moved on this idea because it is frankly, more me than it is Jeff. However in discussing this option with friends I was moved by their response. Jeff would want what was best for the children and to be with me and if this is where I want to go then so would he. I believe that, I do.
I picture a day outing, taking the kids to run through the forest and pick a tree for Daddy. When I am ready. But for now, The Urn will remain in my living room.
Sincerely,
Jeff's Wife
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