How Do You Not Hate Me?

The day after Jeff died I did the only thing I had control over.  I cleaned my house.  If you remember, Jeff had left behind a layer of drywall dust over every square inch of the house.  Cleaning served two purposes: getting rid of the drywall dust and giving me something to do other than thinking about my situation.  I wasn’t up to planning the funeral, talking to anyone, or thinking about my future.  I was incapable of those things partially because I had not slept a minute the night before and also, let’s face it, I was still in shock.

I was working in J2’s room when my in-laws arrived.  My mother-in-law GC was walking up the stairs when I blurted out “How do you not hate me?”

You see, I fully expected them to blame me for Jeff’s death much as I was blaming myself.  I expected them to hate me because I hated myself.  It’s simple really.

Instead she grabbed my arms, shook me and said “don’t ever say that”.  She didn’t blame me for Jeff’s death and we had a long cry.  I am lucky in that I have good people for in-laws.  Both are people that I like and who have always tried their best when it comes to having a relationship with me.  This one moment goes a long way in my mind in determining our future relationship.  By not blaming me, when I felt they had every right, they set the path we are on now.  We are close because we lost someone we love.  We are close because of their two grandchildren I am raising.  And we are close because we simply want to be.

What I worry about is the thought that my children may not be so forgiving in the future.  Will they blame me for Jeff’s death?  Will they understand why I left the room?  Will they have the peace of mind from God or years of mental health therapy to know that some things cannot be changed?  I will find out one day.

Sincerely,

Jeff’s Wife