In Case of My Death

I know I make a few folks uncomfortable.  I talk about grief.  I talk about Jeff.  I believe that this entire process would be harder on me if I kept everything inside.  Besides, I've never been that way.  I've always been more of an open book kinda person.  I have a goal and that is to educate people about SUDEP, it's vitally important and I'm stepping into the role.  I also have a secondary goal: getting people prepared.

This is all the stuff no one talks about.  Wills.  Life Insurance.  You know: the really sexy talk.  But it's so important.  I know a few friends that were galvanized last year after Jeff's shocking death to formalize their wills.  I urge everyone to do one.  Yes, they cost money.  Yes, a will is worth it.

Look at Jeff.  He is proof that a healthy young man can die suddenly and leave behind a wife and two small children.

When I was pregnant with J1, Jeff bought life insurance.  He'd read somewhere to pick an amount that would cover all your debt should you die.  If you don't have life insurance, buy some.  If you have life insurance make sure you have enough.  I can tell you from my standpoint.  What we had on Jeff was not enough.  Think about what you want to accomplish with the money.  Pay off the house?  Send the kids to college?  Live on for a few years while your kids are young?  This is a big decision and is worth asking around and getting expert advice from a financial adviser.  I currently have three times the amount of life insurance on myself as we had on Jeff.  I am now a single mother and my children would be orphans should I die.  What do they need?  What will their new guardian need in order to raise them for the next 15 years?  And you know what?  It probably still isn't enough.

When I was pregnant with J2, we finalized our wills.  (Notice a theme?  LOL).  Something about having children gave Jeff a real kick in the responsibility rear.  A will does not need to be complicated for most of us.  The important thing in our book was designating a guardian for our children.  When I re-did my will last year after Jeff died I picked a guardian and three back ups.  No, there isn't much that could make me believe that SL would turn my children down.  But what if she had cancer?  What if her husband died suddenly?  There are life events we just can't predict.  You need back up.

And I add a third requirement.  A dialog so to speak of "what to do in case of my death." I have to admit, it would have made things a bit easier if I'd had a document like this from Jeff.  I think I did alright with his memorial service and I know he's tickled with the Harley urn.  But what to do with his ashes?  I don't know.  I'll never know.  Plus there were little things.  He had pensions and 401K's everywhere.  He never consolidated anything.  It was a nightmare and I'm half afraid I've forgotten something somewhere.  Not to mention computer passwords, Lord.  Don't get me started on the passwords.  Jeff was an IT security guy.  Our wireless router had a 64 digit password.  There were passwords to computers I had no clue what they were.  I literally had to have a friend hack Jeff's computer (if he had a grave he'd be spinning).  Somewhere, somehow have all your passwords.  Write them down, put them in a safe deposit box.  You know them, but does your family?  Probably not.

I'd heard that military folks often have a "death file" so to speak so I started one.  It's mostly a written letter to my friend SL who would take over the care of the children and while they are small, would have to divest of the money and the house.  I have included information on what I want in my funeral service, where my bank accounts are, phone numbers of doctors and specialists for the kids.  And any items in the home that are of family or historical value that I would want her to try to save for the kids until they are older.  And Passwords. She will have all the passwords.

Uncomfortable?  That's OK.  Death is personal.  Preparing for death is personal.  Wills, life insurance, death files these are all personal.  But they are also important.  Don't put any of it off just because it's Icky.  Don't wait because funds are tight.  There is always a way to get something accomplished.

Be prepared for the unexpected.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife