Auto Pilot

I was completely on auto-pilot the other night when I set the table for 4.  Placemats, plates, silverware: the works.  It took my brain a half dozen times looking at the table before it registered that something was off.  It took me a minute longer to figure it out.  The sadness as I picked up one set and put it away is indescribable.

It isn't so surprising.  Jeff has been on my mind so much lately.  From the 5K I am planning to the start of the school year milestones - he is on my mind.

J1 often asks for a story about Daddy and himself at night.  The other night, after the first day of school I told him the story of his first day at Kindergarten.  How after we all said goodbye to him and he got on the bus, Daddy got in his truck and followed the bus.  Every stop all the way to school and watched him get out and go into the building.  I cried silent tears but J1 noticed.  "Are you crying, Mommy?"  Yes, I told him.  It makes me sad to think about Daddy and tell these stories but they are funny too.  I pointed out how he had been laughing at the thought of Daddy following his bus.  He never knew!  It is good to laugh even if I am still crying.  "Are you still going to therapy, Mommy?"  Yes, I told him.  I am.

I want to keep Jeff's memory alive in all of us, even if it is still painful for me.  One day, I know, it won't be like this.  I don't want to shy away from this chance to tell the boys stories.  I also want them to know it's OK to cry, it's OK to laugh, and it's OK to be angry.  I want them to learn to face what is difficult and not try to run away from what is hard.  I never thought I'd be teaching them this lesson so young. 

I've been on auto pilot a lot in the past 18 months.  So many things that I have been distractedly paying attention too, even my own children.  Grief just seems to sap the energy out of you and leaves you with just the minimal of energy reserves to run auto pilot.  I am trying to change that.  I am really trying to pay more attention, be active, be attentive.  It is not enough to be here if I am lost in my own world, the past... where Jeff still is.

I need to disengage my auto pilot and challenge myself to live in the present.  Especially since auto pilot turned on me this week.  I can't trust it to not fly me into a mountain (4 places) so I need to take the wheel and keep my eyes open.

Wish me luck.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife