Hats Off

Three months after Jeff died, I bought a dog.  I knew it was a mistake at the time, but what can I say?  It was right there in the "so you lost a parent handbook" as step 3.  I joke, but most people I have met, if they didn't have a dog... they got one within the first year.

I knew it was going to be more work for me and I knew my heart wasn't in it.  So why did I get him?  Because it was part of the plan.  The pre-SUDEP plan. 

J1 had been asking for a dog for years.  Jeff and I had planned on getting the dog in 2012.  I had set two rules: J2 had to be out of diapers and we needed a fence for the back yard.  I had just started getting quotes for having the fence built in the weeks leading up to Jeff's death.  (Even though we all know I could get as many quotes as I wanted but Jeff would have ended up building the fence himself and taking 2 years to get it done).

Instead, I opted to have the fence built and then went out and got a dog from a rescue.  He's a good dog.  He plays with the boys and makes the boys laugh which was his entire purpose.  But I have found that a broken heart doesn't bond well.  I am used to lavishing my pets with affection and attention but I haven't done that with this dog.  I've done my job to feed and water and let him out.  So I almost feel bad for him.

And then he goes and chews things.  I know he's still a puppy and I can handle the toys, the couch cushion, the chair leg, a shoe, a bra... but when he chewed Jeff's hat.  Well, I would have tossed him on the street if it wasn't for the boys.  I got the damn dog for the kids I can't get rid of him now.

I can't get mad, he's a dog.  I couldn't even cry over the hat.  All the things the dog has chewed have been down on the floor.  The hat was up on a shelf but it must have gotten knocked off and then masticated.  But it hurt to loose the hat and it is hard not to hold a grudge.

I talk about how my kids are going to grow up differently from having only one parent.  I didn't realize that the same can be said for the dog.  He's getting a lot of attention from the kids but affection is rather negligible from me.

I'd love to say I'd like him better if he hadn't eaten the hat, but the truth was... he was facing a lonely road from the start.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife