Giving into the Fear

Today I did something I thought I wouldn't do.  I gave into my fear.  It bubbled up inside of me racing my heart and consuming my thoughts.  I was positive I would find my youngest child dead in his bed.  I couldn't shake the thought, it would not pass even though I told myself I was in the throws of panic.  I forced myself to take a shower and to ignore the fear that something was wrong.  Nothing was wrong I told myself this is just mindless fear.  And yet, it isn't.  I have a very rational fear of sleep.  It is only logical after finding my husband dead of SUDEP.  Dead while taking a nap on a Sunday morning.  I don't fear my own sleep, I fear for my children.

The night Jeff died, I went into their rooms every hour, every half hour, laying my hands on them and assuring myself that they were breathing.  For my own sanity I have not done that since.  But twice now, I have been struck with the all encompassing panic attack that I would find one of my children dead as I found Jeff.

In November my oldest was sick with a stomach virus and was taking a nap.  As it neared 4pm I decided to go wake him so that his nightly sleep schedule would not be affected.  As I walked up the stairs I was struck with this engulfing panic that I would open the door and I would find him as I found Jeff.  Face down, dead.  My heart raced that afternoon even as I held his feverish, breathing body.  I had a panic attack. 

This morning, I could not shake the feeling that I would find my youngest dead.  I woke up with the overwhelming knowledge that something was wrong.  I fought it, I knew I was panicking.  And yet, after 30 long minutes I went into his room.  I laid my hand on his back.  I stroked his hair, I laid my hand on his back again.

And I woke him up.  SO STUPID!  You never wake a sleeping baby.  I held his sleepy body and told him I was sorry for waking him to which he replied "That's OK Momma, I don't mind."  Even in the midst of a panic attack I had to smile at him, at his acceptance that I was there and that it was morning.

I don't let fear rule my life.  I accept that the world is unpredictable and that any "control" I think I have is an illusion.  But that doesn't mean that fear can't fester inside of me like a virus, and seeking a weak moment rear up and overwhelm me. 

I have a right to be afraid.  But I also have the will to conquer it.

Sincerely,
Jeff's wife