How Are You Doing?

I get this question a lot.  “How are you doing?”  And now I usually reply “hanging in there”.  Which is the truth.  But if you were to ask me how I am feeling, you’d get a different answer.

In the past year, when I got the “HAYD” question, I usually replied with “I have my good days and my bad days.” And oddly enough, I never had to say if it was a good or bad day.  People left it at that.  When in fact, most days started off good and got progressively worse.  Most good days ended badly.  This was because the evenings were the worst for me so while I kept busy during the day doing my mom job, by the evening it all caught up with me.

The question “how are you doing” is really more of a greeting for people and in all honesty no one wants a long drawn out discussion on how they are doing.  Not the asker or the askee so we usually say “fine”.  I still do this to random strangers who ask me the question because I really don’t want to get into it and they don’t want to listen.  So why do we ask the question?  I don’t know but I know I am trying to cut the question out of my life where I can, except for the friends I really do want to know how they are doing.

So what if you asked me how I was feeling?

I feel overwhelmed.  I am now a single mother of two young boys.  And each of those boys has their own problems with dealing with their father’s death.  I went from being a stay at home mom to working part time and knowing I am going full time sooner than I would like.  I have a house to maintain myself.  I have demands made on me and the pressure to comply with no one to share it with.

I feel lonely.  Yes, I have friends and yes I see my friends a lot.  But I lost my best friend, my companion, my lover.  That is a hole that isn’t filled with friends no matter how many you have.

I feel like a failure.  I failed to save Jeff’s life.  I did CPR, I called 911, I did what I could but in the end it didn’t work. There was no happy ending. 

I feel responsible for Jeff’s death.  I left him alone.  What did I do?  I texted a few friends and took a shower, nothing that had to happen in that timeframe.  I could have stayed with him, but I didn’t.  I know deep down in my soul that had I been in that room I would have saved his life. So on the flip side, since I wasn’t there, I feel responsible for his death.

I feel guilty.  I left Jeff alone.  There is no way out of that.  I try to forgive myself for neglecting Jeff.  I’m not there yet, but I try.

I feel like an actor in my own life.  I smile, I say the right things, I try to fake being happy for my kids.  But in reality, all the joy has been sucked out of my life and I mostly pretend.  I see quotes that say if you act happy you feel happy.  It hasn’t worked yet.

I feel isolated.  I am a young widow.  Who do I talk to that has had the same experience?  Where do I go? 

I feel jealous.  I see posts on Facebook about how wonderful their husband is or happy birthday to their husband and I am jealous.  I want that life back.  I want to be happy. 

I feel tired.  It’s been a year and I have a long road to go.

Sincerely,

Jeff’s wife