I realized recently that I had neglected participating in events with the kids that I had forced myself to do the first year: no Monster Trucks, no NASCAR races, no Lego festival. Last year I had a list, I planned the calendar, and emailed friends and family to join me at these events. Right up until our annual trip to Punkin Chunkin (see footnote) in November when I finally cried "Uncle" and bowed out. Since then, I haven't done any of it. Weird thing is, I didn't even realize I was in avoidance.
Last week I took the boys on a mini-vacation where we went to two amusement parks: Sesame Place and Hershey Park. Neither of which I had been too previously with Jeff. I rode the roller coaster 11 times at Sesame Place with my boys and of course I thought of Jeff. How much he would have loved doing this with his boys. How we would have laughed as we tried to climb after them in the big rope tower, standing under the giant water bucket, sliding down the water slides, feeding the boys tons of gluten free junk food. At Hershey Park, when the smell of chocolate hits your nose I just had to tell the boys how much Daddy would have loved this place. We rode the Chocolate World ride twice (free chocolate at the end) and the boys were in heaven.
I wasn't sad. I thought of Jeff constantly and I tried to talk about him with the boys. To keep him in their minds while we made these new memories.
Now this is the tricky part to describe. What I realized, why I think I was avoiding things, is that I am making memories without Jeff. Duh! Right?
Think of it like this: you are walking down a path in the woods holding the hand of your loved one. Then you stop to read a trail marker, maybe a historical landmark plaque. When you start walking again you are by yourself. Your loved one is still at the marker. After a few steps you'd stop and wait for them to catch up, take their hand, and continue your walk.
Only, I can't wait, not anymore. I am now walking that path by myself and each step I take; takes me further away from Jeff. Further away from the life and memories I had with Jeff.
This is a harsh thought, one that leads to unconsciously minimizing the things that you do that make new memories (and don't even get me started on pictures, I have barely taken any in the past 18 months). I have been avoiding and minimizing without even realizing it. But now I know about it, I know I have to do walk on, I know I have to make memories, I know I have to take the kids places.
I might even have to start re-planning that Disney trip Jeff I and I were working on before his death. And get out the damn camera.
Sincerely,
Jeff's Wife
**footnote: Punkin Chunkin http://www.punkinchunkin.com/. Jeff would describe Punkin Chunkin in terms of a horse race. Where you are tailgating eating food and talking with friends and a horse would run by. Only for Punkin Chunkin, it would be a pumpkin flying through the air. It was just the kind of event that Jeff would discover and then cajole everyone into going to and ending up making it an annual event.
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