Do you ever want to be 4 again? Throw yourself on the ground and literally kick and scream over the injustice of your sandwich being cut the wrong way? I do. Maybe not over my sandwich but I do sometimes want to kick and scream over the injustice of life.
One thing I struggle with since Jeff died is the changes I have had to make in my life. At the time of Jeff's death, I was a stay at home mom (SAHM). I had been a SAHM since the arrival of J2 and in classic "you don't know what you have until it's missing". I wish I still was.
Two months after Jeff's death, I was offered a job. It was both a gift from God and a curse. I was lucky because the company I work for is very flexible and very understanding. I even told them upfront they weren't getting me at my best because of my circumstances. They were fine with it. And while I have an income I miss the time I had at home with my kids.
My mother watches the boys while I work, there are dynamics at play there as well, but this isn't about that :-) What gets me are the times my kids call me "Nanny" instead of Mom. They quickly correct themselves but it's a reminder that I am not home all day. But that someone else is, and that person is the first name they think of when asking for something. I am sure other working mothers go through this, but the thing is. I wasn't planning on it. Jeff and I had agreed I'd stay home until Kindergarten for J2. I liked that plan. I miss that plan.
It also makes the evenings hard. I get home and have to pick up, get dinner on the table, rush out for a sporting event or preschool board meeting. It makes for a long day and it makes for a lot of "I have to do..."
What hurts is when J1 asks me to play. "Mommy, I want you to play with me." and I respond "I need to get dinner going, I need to put the laundry in, I need to XYZ" These things need to get done. They have to get done to keep the house running and the people fed. But every instance reminds me that I am not just a mother. I am the breadwinner, I am the housekeeper, I am the gardener, I am the laundress, I am the bookkeeper, I am the secretary. I do it all. I have no help. Which means I have less time to spend playing with my children.
Is this everyday? No. I often do get 30 minutes to play some street hockey or to build the worlds largest train track. But it isn't everyday I do that. And I hear more "you never play with me anymore" than I ever thought I would hear.
This is not a slam on other single mothers. Just that this was not my plan. This was not the life I had expected and therefor it is another avenue of grief. To grieve over the changes in my life that have surfaced because I am now a single mom. I am fully capable of doing it all, I have for the past year -- I just don't want to. I just want to be the Mommy again. It breaks my heart and I don't know how to change it.
Instead, all I can think of is that I want to throw a fit. Am I allowed? Yes, I think I am due. But do I do it? No, I'm just to damn busy.
Sincerely,
Jeff's Wife
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