The Joker

Those that knew Jeff can contest, he was a kid at heart.  He had a boy’s spirit trapped in a man’s body.  I mean that in a good way, he was good and kind.  He didn’t gossip he didn’t have a malicious bone in his body.  He liked to joke, he liked pranks, he liked to tease, he was just as likely to pull your pony tail to let you know he liked you.  He still thought farts were funny.  Jeff was just fun.  And in contrast I’m really not.

I can tell you a witty story but I’m not likely to throw myself on the ground while pretending to strangle a Pepsi bottle.  And what is interesting is that this difference showed up in our parenting.  I noticed it early on with J1 (not the baby-lump stage) I actually really liked that stage but Jeff couldn’t wait until it was over.  J1 was about 6 weeks old when Jeff asked wistfully "when will he be big enough to play with me?" 

But once J1 was crawling, walking, mobile, playing.  Banging blocks together and laughing at anything.  That’s when a switch turned on in Jeff.  He was playful, he’d roll around on the floor with J1, wasn’t afraid to make fun of himself, or put himself into situations that were hilarious to anyone watching, and I have the pictures to prove it.

I’ll build a train set, but Jeff would build a train set and then pretned to be godzilla crashing through it – making a huge mess.  Or a complicated train track design that would expand into three different rooms.

Something that I noticed: was that I was the nuts and bolts of the operation.  Food, drinks, sign up for activities, run around town and school, buy the clothes, wash the clothes, set the clothes out for you to wear.  Jeff was the Party that you would go to.  What is sad is that now when my kids are left with the nuts and bolts the day to day life, the stuff I’m good at.  And there is no wild and crazy rock star party coming through the door at 6pm every night anymore.  And that means they are going to be different people.  They were destined to be different people, with a father that came home every night and played with them than they are with me.  And I have a hard time accepting that. 

I look at them at night, look at their faces after they have fallen asleep.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I see the child they were going to be: the ones that had a father.  And it’s still hard to accept.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife