Emergency Contact

I was recently at the doctor, one I only see about once a year.  They like so many other offices are busy switching to the newly required electronic filing system and were updating all their info.  Somehow, and I don't know how, some of my info hadn't been updated properly in the past year.

So, I had to tell them Jeff died and take him off all my paperwork and I had to change my emergency contact information.  Now, I even questioned why they needed this.  I mean, I'm 40 so why do they need a secondary contact?  And really, I am only here once a year.  But they did and so, at 40, I had to list my mother. 

It may seem small, but it is little events like this that bother me.  First, I had to tell a perfect stranger that Jeff had died.  This is still not easy for me, I have on occasion, pretended to still be happily married so that I don't have to tell a random stranger my story.  I sometimes just don't want to deal with it. 

I had to stand there at the counter and correct my paperwork - basically erasing Jeff from my life - and then I had to put my mother down as a contact like I was a child.  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  It's like all the forms I fill out for the boys.  Under "father" I list Jeff then (deceased) and then NA all the other info slots.  It kills me and I fill out those damn forms all the time.  But for me?  There is no slot to fill in information on your deceased husband.  After I mark the widow box, there is no other need for me to list him.  Not for insurance, not for contact, not for anything.  Poof.  He is gone.

I am an adult and as an adult I should be able to list my partner, my companion, my husband.  But damn-it.  I can't.  Not anymore.  I hate Xing the box that says "widow" and I hate these stupid minor invasions into my life like an emergency contact. 

I guess the only thing worse: is when I have to change it from my mother to my sons.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Widow