When I said before that I thought 2013 was going to be a rebuilding year. What I really meant was rebuilding myself, rebuilding the relationship with my kids. I don't know how anyone else would do after a death, I can only tell you how I did.
I didn't necessarily fall apart at the seams, more like an implosion. I just folded the layers of paper in on myself like origami until I was so tiny inside. It's the best way to insulate yourself and protect yourself because everything in the world is so painful.
It doesn't have to be anything obvious, I don't have to see a picture of Jeff to grieve. It could be an Audi TT and I would remember that was the type of car Jeff drove when we first met. I once cried for 15 minutes when I saw an old man walking down the street, someone I didn't even know, because I realized I would never see Jeff as an old man.
It's random and it's painful and it's so unpredictable. So I withdrew, it's the only thing I could do. I didn't withdrawal completely from my kids, I wasn't going to leave them without a parent. But I wasn't the person I was before, I certainly wasn't the mother I wanted to be.
I read a scientific study years ago about three sets of monkeys. One set got food every time they pushed a lever. The second set got food and an electrical shock every time they they pushed the lever. The third set got food or an electrical shock at random. The experiment noted that the first two groups were fine. The monkeys in group 2, even though they recieved a shock with their food knew what to expect and accepted it. The third set, however, had pretty much gone insane (I am paraphrasing). They had pulled their hair out, twitched, couldn't sleep, and were basically so stressed they were not functional.
I have often felt like that third monkey in the past two years. I never know when the shock that will trigger grief will arrive and so it kinda makes you crazy. I did the only thing I could think of: and I circled the wagons. Kept close at home with the kids and kept my head down.
I wanted this year to rebuild, to uncircle the wagons. Maybe live my life with the acceptace of the shock of grief. Instead of fearing when it would arise. We’ve had our ups and our downs this year and the downs seem a little harder. But I've made progress. I've unfolded myself at times, allowed myself to be exposed to emotions, gave myself permission to make improvements. To make strides forward for my benefit.
I can only hope I continue into next year.
Sincerely,
Jeff's Widow
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