Graduates

This is a big week:  J1 and I are graduating from our private grief counseling.  This does not mean we are done grieving, only that we have the toolbox to go it on our own, for now.

I am a huge supporter of therapy, having spent various years in therapy myself, I find that therapy has it's role in times of change.  I received a lot of advice after Jeff died and a common one I received was to seek therapy.  I had no problems with that.  The problem came in finding the right fit.

I hear from some folks that therapy didn't work for them so they quit and didn't go back and my thought is "you just didn't have the right person."  Just like jeans: therapists don't fit the same.  You can try one out and have it not work.  It doesn't mean that therapy doesn't work, just that person.  Every person you meet does not become your friend, the same really can be said for every therapist.

I did OK, but it took three tries before I found the right person for the boys.  The first person I tried didn't give J2, who was 3 at the time, a second thought.  Sorry, but I wanted therapy for both kids.  I know he's young but he had a major change in his life.  She also didn't mesh well with J1.  I gave it two chances with J1 and then called it quits.  I liked the second therapist.  However, again, J2 was left out of the mix and after about 6 weeks J1 still wasn't talking.  I had to dig down deeper and expand my parameters (namely how far I was willing to drive).  And I ended up with the perfect fit.  A wonderful woman who worked with both J1 and J2. 

J2 graduated out of therapy after 6 months and I was happy with his progress.  This week is J1's last after 11 months of therapy.  His anger has dissipated and he has begun to talk about Jeff again.  All things I take as good signs that he is working on his grief. 

I fully expect that they will be back.  As both boys age, different life events and cognitive advances will cause them both to re-visit their father's death.  This can or will most likely require another trip to a therapist.  It is my job to look for the signs that they might need a little more help and then provide it for them. 

A friend who lost her husband shared this quote with me:

"You never get over it, but eventually you do become accustomed to it."

I am not quite there yet. 

There is a part of me that grieves for each day Jeff has missed of his children's lives.  I am not accustomed to the empty half of the closet, the empty half of the bed, the second sink in the bathroom that never gets used.  But I do have my routine: I keep the house running and the children fed.  I may not like it, but I have become accustomed to life as a single mother.

There is no graduation party, no balloons, no cake, no diploma.  But we are all therapy graduates now.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife