The Meltdown

I cried for two hours last night and it shows today: puffy eyes and black bags under my eyes.

The last week has brought a small amount of drama every day and each event just added more stress.  Nothing was major, but as it continued to pile up it finally became to much.  So there I was: settling down to read my youngest his bedtime story and I started to cry.  I cried the entire way through Green Eggs and Ham, I cried and snivelled as J2 was trying to lay down and go to sleep.  I cried as I went to put J1 to bed, I cried all through Flat Stanely in Space.  I just couldn't stop. I was having a meltdown.

I told them I missed Daddy.  I told them Mommy was sad.  I told them it's OK for Mommy to cry. 

I lied.

Oh, I miss Jeff and I was sad and it is OK for my to cry.  But that wasn't even a tenth of the story.  I was tired.  Tired of the drama.  Tired of being alone.  Tired of dissapointments and complications.  I was tired of making things more difficult for myself.  I was tired of being me.

And this just sounds self-serving: but I was missing Jeff because I miss how Jeff's presence made me a better person.

My dad said once that he sat up and took notice of Jeff after I'd failed to "rip his face off".  That was when my dad knew there was a serious contender in my life.  He was right.  Jeff somehow had a calming influence on me.  I can't explain it.  He managed to wear away the rough edges and quiet the storm before I managed to explode.  Anyone else could try it and I would just wind up, but Jeff could wind me down.  Somehow managing to deflect my worst traits and reflect my best ones.

I miss that influence.  I need that influence.  I sometimes don't feel like a nice person.  I often don't like what I do or who I am.  I work hard at trying to project a better image but frankly it isn't my first impulse.  If left to my own devices I would think of myself and my agenda first.

I never knew Jeff to put himself first.  Jeff always thought and did for others before he would do something for himself.  He was also very tolerant.  Small things that make most of us explode in customer service situations or restraunts he would shrug off and say "they are doing the best they can."  I can't think of a time where he complained to a manager.  It just didn't matter to him.

I had a meltdown because I could really use some Jeff advice.  Advice only he could give in a manner that I can accept.  But that's gone and I'm left to navigate a world where people make me mad.  And I make things worse because I can't filter my response through Jeff.

I miss Jeff.  I miss who I was when I was with Jeff.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife