I Bought Myself Flowers

It is my wedding anniversary today and I bought myself flowers.  It is painful not to mark a special day but it is sad to buy myself a gift "from Jeff".

I know I wasn't celebrating my birthday, but there was no present from Jeff (no card from his secret stash) and there was nothing from the kids.  They are little.  I don't blame them.  But it is something Jeff had done previously for Christmas, birthdays, and Mother's day.  He would have taken them out to Walmart or someplace equally fancy and had them pick out a gift for me.  It was surprisingly painful for that to be missing this year.

Jeff had himself figured out.  He knew he'd forget important events so he set up calendar reminders for birthdays, anniversaries, even random events like the day he proposed or the day we bought our house.  He even signed up for the FTD florist website to remind him to order flowers for important dates (I know this because he still gets emails from them).  He also knew that commercial holidays would elude him.  Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, arborists day (well, maybe not the last one).  So, Jeff... being Jeff kept a secret stash of cards in the garage.  Only, it wasn't much of a secret, as I have said before, he wasn't great on keeping secrets.  Jeff had birthday cards, Easter cards, Mother's day cards out in the garage.  If his computer reminders didn't work, he could run out to the garage and whip out a card for the holiday and be covered.  It was obvious to me what was going on, but that's OK.  It was Jeff and he was trying so hard to live up to expectations I couldn't quibble about how he was doing it. 

There are no more cards from Jeff.  Last fall as my family and friends helped me clean out the garage we found Jeff's secret stash.  I have the Hallmark bag with the last few cards in it, the last cards he will never sign.

I decided I didn't want my wedding anniversary to suffer the same fate as my birthday.  So I bought myself flowers.  It's sad.  The flowers make me sad.  But what about this day wouldn't? 

Mother's Day is coming up.  Last year, I let all these things pass by without a thought.  I didn't do anything for others and I didn't expect anything in return.  I was in a fog and I just didn't care about "significant" dates.  But this year I do.  I am making an effort. 

I want to remember my wedding with a smile and not tears.  I'm not there yet, but I hope one day I will be.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife