10 Years

Today is my birthday and I turned 40 (well at 8:59 tonight).  Other than a gluten free cupcake with the boys I am not celebrating the day.  I know what Jeff had planned and it will never be that so I just don't see doing anything else.  However, my kids would riot if there wasn't birthday cake...

I find it remarkable what events happened in the past 10 years of my life.

When I was 29, it suddenly occurred to me that I was about to be 30 and I wondered what I had to show for myself.  With that in mind I did two things: I applied to graduate school and I went outside my comfort zone in an attempt to meet people (men).  For some reason, I still couldn't do online dating but I joined two groups that tried to bring people together.  Single Volunteers (where a group of single folks worked a charity event and then would go out to lunch together) and Dinner at 8 (where 8 people went to dinner). 

Shortly after I turned 30 I received my acceptance letter into graduate school and about a month later I met Jeff.

My time with Jeff seems like a whirlwind now.  We met, a year later were engaged, a year after that: married.  A few months after we married we bought a house and the following year we welcomed our first son.  Two and a half years later we had another boy and I finally finished my graduate degree.  Three years later, Jeff died.

In ten years I went from just being by myself to being: girlfriend, fiance, wife, homeowner, mother, harried mother of two, graduate, and then widow.

My boys have provided me a sense of purpose in the past year.  Without them, I don't think I'd be as functional as I am now.  I look at those descriptive terms above and the one thing that will never change is that I am a mother.  I changed from being Jeff's girlfriend to finance to wife to widow but I will always be a mother.  And that is the greatest gift that Jeff has given me. 

The quote says "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."  The only thing I can add is that I would never exchange this pain I am in if it meant I didn't have my boys.  To have never known Jeff?  Never had these experiences together in the past 10 years?  Nope.  I'll take the pain. 

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife