Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Know the most common emotion in grief?

Anger.

Anger for me is like putting on a glove.  I spent so much of my teens and twenties royally pissed off, that to embrace my anger again now is like wrapping myself in a snuggly blanket.  It's warm, it's comfortable, it's familiar.  I can breathe in the scent of anger and it gives me focus.  Anger is a drug.

Angry at what?  That's easy.  Jeff's death.  Who isn't pissed off?  How could he be gone?  How dare this happen?  I'm angry he died.  I'm angry I'm alone.  I'm angry he isn't here to raise his boys.  I'm angry at the water and soil and air and fire.  Even if I look calm on the surface, there is anger simmering underneath.

Who am I angry with?  That's easy.  Myself.  That's the real fun part.  I'm angry I left him alone to nap.  I'm angry I never knew about SUDEP.  I'm angry that I am no longer living the life I expected.  I'm angry that I'm not a better person.  I'm angry I'm not a better mother. 

Know who I'm not mad at?  God.  Weird right?  Never even crossed my mind and I'll tell you why.  From the moment I found Jeff, all through CPR, in the ambulance, at the hospital. I begged God.  I asked Jesus to help me.  And you know what?  He did.  My church and friends fed my family for a month after Jeff died.  I have support from both my parents and Jeff's.  I have friends that came over and moved my furniture when I had my carpets cleaned (something I'd had scheduled before Jeff passed).  My neighbors put up my outside Christmas lights.  Friends put up the inside ones.  Another neighbor shoveled my driveway this winter.  Friends have cleaned my house.  Friends worked to finish the bathroom remodel Jeff had started.  Oh, I've had help.

I could split hairs and say that it wasn't exactly what I meant.  I really wanted Jesus to help me by saving Jeff's life.  But I accept that it doesn't work that way.  I asked for help.  I got help. 

Yet not being angry at God makes me even more angry with myself.  I'm angry I didn't ask for Jeff's life.  I'm angry I asked for myself without even thinking.  It wasn't conscience.  But that is what I got.

One thing I can say about my anger is that I know it's there.  I may have welcomed back an old nemesis but I know it.  I can tame it.  I may roll around in my anger, let it burn along my skin, but I will not let it harm me.  It's OK to grieve, it's OK to be angry.  It's not OK to be self destructive.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife