The Second Easter

This year was the second Easter without Jeff.  I find that hard to believe.  There were some notable differences: mostly that I didn't fill 500 eggs but about 50.  I finally got the math right.  Oh the years of stuffing plastic eggs with Jeff the night before, us in front of a movie, all the time he would mutter "you know you're crazy, right?" The next day, he would prove me correct and there would be far too many eggs in the lawn for our kids to find.  He'd end up running over a dozen or so with the tractor later on and we'd find egg and chocolate mulch left behind.

I like egg hunts, I took my kids to three and had one at home this year.  The day before Easter we were at a helicopter egg drop and then went to Chuck E Cheese with friends. (By the way, the helicopter egg drop was just the sorta thing Jeff lived for: a new and different fun experience)  I mostly avoid Chuck E Cheese because it reminds me too much of Jeff.  Jeff LOVED to take the kids there and it really only gives me a headache.  He loved to play the games, collect tickets, sneaking off to play games he was good at to ensure that the kids would get a ton of tickets for some cheap prize, and he never thought the food was bad.  It fit him, much as the years he spent at Dave and Buster's fit him. Only, now he had the perfect excuse to go: he had kids.  Jeff really was a kid at heart, he just liked to have fun.  It breaks my heart to go because I feel like my kids have been robbed of their father.  The first time I braved Chuck E Cheese after Jeff died J1 said "Daddy's missing all the fun stuff." And he is.  We are.  It isn't fair.

I made it through Easter better than last year.  I didn't sob my way through church service that is all about death and resurrection and life everlasting.  When I think of Jeff in heaven it leaves me with questions more that answers.  I wonder if he is truly at peace or does he see how much we are struggling to live our lives without him?  Does he know the pain we are in? 

I topped the day off by repairing a marble racing toy that Jeff had built Christmas of 2011. 

This toy took him four hours to build on Christmas day (it has over 400 parts), mostly because he built one side backwards and had to take it apart and start over.  It was unfortunately broken in the days prior to Jeff's funeral and has sat in a plastic bin for the past year.  My kids have asked for it to be fixed numerous times because it was a great favorite.  I built it with Jeff over my shoulder this Easter.  I did OK.

The Easter holiday starts a long spring marathon of family birthdays and events.  All of which were excruciatingly painful for me last year.  In the next two months we have my birthday, Jeff's birthday, our anniversary, Mother's day, and J1's birthday.

Easter went so well, it did give me one thing: it gave me hope for the other events.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife