The To Do List

The night that Jeff died, while I was unable to sleep, I made my first "To Do List" (TDL).  It wasn't even my list.  It was a list of all the places to call, doctor's appointments and other things that had been scheduled that either I or Jeff or the kids would not be doing.  I then gave the list to my mother and BFF to do.  I couldn't call friends and family to tell them Jeff had died, I wasn't about to call random people and do the same.

In the days after Jeff's memorial service I started my master TDL, there is no rest for the grieving, not when you have to consider money, food, health insurance, wills, life insurance, financial planners, etc.  One thing about being swamped with this task is that it gave me something to focus on, something to control and to do.  But it also left me with the feeling that I was running on a treadmill with no OFF button.  Running as fast as I could to keep up because I didn't want to flying off the back and smack my face into the pavement.  It was oddly arduous work.  After I had a copy of Jeff's death certificate, I needed to process the life insurance.  Once I had that, I needed to interview financial planners and get one on board to help me with the money.  I had to continue COBRA health insurance coverage, move Jeff's 401K moneys (which he had never combined from his various jobs so there were so many).  I had to make a new will for myself, process new life insurance for myself, change bills, cancel credit cards, sell the cars and the motorcycle, give Jeff's clothes away.  It was a crazy long TDL.

Then I had the fires to put out, in the middle of all the paperwork I discovered that I made a mistake at the DMV.  When transferring the titles of the vehicles, which were all in Jeff's name, I made an error in the gas mileage.  This ended up being a big deal when it came to trying to sell one of the cars. 

My dryer died.  My basement flooded.  My kids got the Hand/Foot/Mouth plague. I was in a rampaging fight with the hospital over $700 (my insurance paid the wrong doctor).  I was without health insurance for 2 months when COBRA forgot about us - I was paying them, but my doctors weren't getting paid in return which was wracking up major bills and problems for all involved.  I started to feel like Job.  I couldn't take anymore.

Then magically, at about 5 months after Jeff died.  It all stopped.  My COBRA got squared away, all Jeff's estate paperwork was filed, my new will and life insurance were done, I had a new dryer, my basement was under reconstruction, the fight with the hospital was peacefully resolved (bummed about that one, I really wanted to go to small claims court over that... but I was just feeling petty).

So then, without a TDL my treadmill stopped.  I was left with the soul sucking empty feeling of my grief.  I slid, slowly under the water and into the grips of sadness.

I read somewhere that grief feels like being stranded on a boat in the water.  But I'd take it a step further, it feels more like treading water after your ship has gone down and you are looking around at all the life boats a 100 feet away filled with families.  Moms and Dads and Kids.  Whole families. 

I don't want to be jealous I want to be happy for their good fortune but I'm so tired.  So tired of keeping my head above water I just don't have anything strength left in me to feel either way.

But I'm a good swimmer, I can tread water forever.  I'm a survivor.  I made a new To Do List.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife