Today is Jeffs' 44th birthday. While I couldn't commemerate the day Jeff died, and the jury is still out on the term 'Angelversery', I can get behind celebrating his birthdays.
My primary goal, after making sure the kids are fed and watered, is to make sure they remember their father and live their lives as he would have raised them. This is a tall order. Often it means forcing myself into events that I am not emotionally ready for - but the boys are. It also means making myself go do "fun" things for the kids when I just want to stand back and cry. I say that this makes me feel like an actor in my own life. I fake happiness at these events so as not to overshadow the actual happiness my kids feel. It's exhausting.
Last year, the family celebrated Jeff's birthday and it was both painful and joyous. We ate a triple chocolate cake and Jeff's homemade ice scream. [As an aside, I never will figure out if Jeff spelled it that way because of spell check or if he actually thought it was spelled ice scream. A mystery for the ages.] We swapped many "Jeff stories" and laughed as much as we cried.
This year, I made a "Chocolate Wasted" cake and his homemade ice scream. Lest you think I didn't spoil him in real life. The year I was pregnant with J1, Jeff asked for homemade stuffed cupcakes - think chocolate hostess cupcakes. So I stood in the kitchen for hours, feet swelling up, and made him chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting, with whipped chocolate ganache stuffed in the middle. I took care of my man.
Saturday night was a normal dinner party, the kids ran around and played, the adults talked and ate. It was hard to talk about Jeff, other than his love of chocolate, but there were a few stories.
April 30th will always be Jeff's birthday and I plan on using it as a chance for my boys, friends and family to have the opportunity to talk about Jeff. To share, laugh, and cry.
Sincerely,
Jeff's Wife
Well done.
ReplyDelete