Where the (bleep) is Jeff?

Whenever anything significant happens in my children's lives I think of Jeff.  Jeff was a very active parent, involved in all aspects of his children's lives.  He took off time from work to attend parent teacher conferences - even at the preschool level.  He was always there for the first day of school starting with preschool.  All my pictures of those days are of him holding J1's or J2's hands and walking them into the building.  Then when J1 went to Kindergarten, he followed the school bus.  From our bus stop to the school Jeff trailed behind and called me when he saw J1 enter the school.  Jeff was at the first few doctor visits, although with kids there get to be so many and I can honestly say he missed about 99% of them. 

When J1 was in the hospital overnight for reflux issues, Jeff was there.  When J2 contracted RSV and was hospitalized at 11 days old, Jeff was there.

Jeff called me repeatedly throughout the workday.  In addition, I would receive easily a dozen emails.  Every random thought he had he would email me.  Which still boggles my mind that he could still forget to tell me important events when he communicated so regularly, but that is a different tale.

The first time I thought "Where are you, Jeff?" was after J2 bashed his teeth out, see http://survivingaftersudep.blogspot.com/2013/03/when-fear-arises.html.  I was kneeling next to J2 as he was wrapped up and anesthetized and I was struck by the realization that I not only didn't call Jeff he wasn't there with me. 

Now, major events are happening in our children's lives.  J1 was just diagnosed with Celiac's Disease and we have to give up gluten.  This is a genetic disorder and while I am being tested we are out of luck to test Jeff.  Giving up gluten is a huge change in my children's lives and in mine.  I will need to do more cooking which I pretty much stopped doing after Jeff's death and the cost of gluten free foods is astronomical.  I know what Jeff would have said with this diagnosis but I miss having him here to share this change with me.  To discuss, to complain, to cry.  I will never have that now.  I am not alone because I have friends and family.  But I am alone without my husband.

Where I really feel this loss of partnership is in the developmental diagnosis J2 recently received, Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).  Because after I got over my shock, my spiral into a 3 day depression, and got to learning about SPD I discovered how much of it was Jeff.  And what I have lost is my greatest resource for understanding my child with SPD, his father.  It is times like this where I cry and I cry out "where are you Jeff?"  As if he would have left us willingly.   

But he is still gone and I have major life changing events to deal with.  I knew Jeff well enough that I know how he'd react, but going through these issues without his input isn't fair.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife