I recently hit a new milestone. Ever since last February in a conversation I would say "After Jeff..." just like that with no end. I even have files labeled on the computer and in the cabinet that say "After Jeff". Because finishing that sentence and adding "died" was too much.
It isn't denial, just an avoidance of the pain. Every time I have to say that Jeff died just drives a spear through me. How many times can I survive that? I didn't know so I just didn't say it unless I had to.
Lately though I have found that I can finish the sentence. I don't know when I started to be able to do it. I just noticed that I could. I am meeting more and more people that are new in my life and don't have my back story. Eventually, it needs to come out. I have found that this is not as monumental a task to talk about as it has been in the past. Sometimes I can say "I lost my husband in 2012" and move on in the conversation without getting into specifics. Once, I ran into a mom from when our oldest boys where in preschool together. She didn't know about Jeff and I found that I could talk through the whole story without crumbling.
However, I still have my issues. I look at Jeff's picture and I still can't fathom how this man died in his sleep. I can't figure out why his children are growing up without a father and why I am alone now, after it took me so long to find him.
I've just completed a 13-week grief DVD series called Grief Share. The topic of grief is not one that is easy to digest even for those who want to work through their pain. At times, I don't like what the series says and other times I totally agree with it.
One thing they said that struck a cord with me was that grief means you will always have pain with the joy. I get that.
There is joy at my son's birthday party and yet, pain because his father is not there. There is joy in all these milestones I see in my children and the pain of knowing Jeff is not here to share it. In these events it is my pain and not my joy... not yet at least.
Sincerely,
Jeff's Wife
Ali, I feel your pain. I find I cannot say the "d,,," when referring to Jeff. I say, "lost", "passed, or some other word but I cannot accept the "D" word. I still also run into someone who doesn't know and find I still can't get through the story without breaking up. Happened yesterday at our crab feast. Time may or may not be the healer we hope for. Love, Jeff's Dad
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