Spirals

This weekend I spiraled lower than I have in a long time.  It is never just one thing: always an accumulation of events that does this to me.

I've been up and down and sideways for the past 6 weeks mostly dealing with parental issues.  It's stressful to have a child with special needs and it's stressful to have a child who gets bullied on the bus and it's stressful to have a child with a reading problem... life is just stressful.

This week however was also just difficult.  I was thrilled to have a 30 minute conversation with J1 about Jeff on Tuesday.  I know it was prompted by having out all of Jeff's Halloween decorations and it just gave me a boost to know that I was able to get them out this year.  J1 and I talked about Daddy's love of Halloween, second only to his love of Christmas.  And it segued into how Daddy would spoil them with a squirt of whip cream from the can directly into their mouths, or how Daddy would give them a few chocolate chips out of the bag while I was upstairs in the shower.  Or, shocker, how Daddy once made brownies while I was a church for MOPS.  It was great to hear J1 reminisce about Daddy and feel that love.  It made me cry, but I think I hid it well from him.  I didn't want to spook him into not talking about Jeff.  J1 doesn't talk about him much and I worry it's because he knows it makes me cry.

Good feelings were tempered however later that night as I put J2 to bed.  After kissing Daddy's picture he asked to talk to him.  While holding his picture J2 babbled a bit (I don't remember what he said first) and then said "I want another Daddy now."  If I was a fainting girl, I would have hit the floor.  I know this because I barely made it into a sitting position on the bed.  I immediately hit the kill switch on my emotions, put the picture back up and tucked J2 into bed.  To say that I didn't follow up is an understatement.  I was pretty bloodless at that moment.  I've thought about it since and who knows what that comment meant to a 4 year old?  Really what does he remember of Jeff other than the stories I tell him?  Who wouldn't want a playmate like that around?  I'm letting it go for now.  He is little and I would rather not have to talk about this with him.  I am confident that he was not expecting me to sign up for Match.com that night.  But it was eye opening to know that the thought of "another Daddy" passed through that little brain.

I also received a nasty shock at the last night of my group therapy Grief Share DVD session.  In this episode they are talking about heaven going over myth's and truths.  They said that you aren't married in heaven and I'm having a hard time with that.  That "Till death do us part" means that we aren't reunited in heaven goes against what I was led to believe.  Now, they are quoting scripture and I can't even begin to get into the details they raised.  But the comment was that we would "know one another" but that we are no longer married.  This has really thrown me for a loop and I wish with all my heart I had never heard it.  I also wish I could "choose not to believe it".  There are many things in the bible that we either choose to accept or decide are no longer relevant or possibly misinterpreted.  I don't know how I feel about this one nor do I have the biblical education to dissect it.  Right now, I've placed it in the back-burner of my mind to deal with it later.

My week only got worse as I learned that weekend was Jeff's 25th high school reunion.  On the one hand, I wish I didn't know.  I knew it was this year but I didn't know the weekend.  Somehow, learning this on top of everything else was the last straw and I hurtled down into the abyss.  However, I also don't want people to keep things from me that they think might upset me.  Honestly, it isn't any one's fault other than my own how I react to news.  I accept full responsibility for my downward spiral - so don't hide stuff from me OK? 

I remember the 20th reunion.  I was weeks away from giving birth to our second son.  I was huge, clumsy and exasperated.  But Jeff was so thrilled to go to his school and see teachers and friends.  I took it easy, parked like a whale at the table but I still got to meet a few folks and view the new campus.  How heartbreaking for Jeff's best friend BT to go to this event without him, and to possibly share the news to people who didn't know about Jeff.

It didn't help that it rained for days on end but I am slowing clawing my way out of this hole I dug myself.  I can't stay in here for long or I may take up permanent residence.  Spirals happen, especially after an advancement (my ability to say died).  I'm just hoping I make it out of this in one piece.

Sincerely,

Jeff's Wife