I had an opportunity to gaze at my oldest child and I happened to catch his profile. Really look at him and I noticed something amazing. I noticed how much he, at seven, looks like Jeff.
I have always thought he took after me and not just because he's blonde and fair. When I look at my youngest I see a carbon copy of Jeff, but my oldest has always had more of my features mixed in. The two boys don't look anything alike.
Except now I see more Jeff in J1 and it hit me like a hammer. J1 has always had Jeff's nose but now I see Jeff in his smile. I see Jeff in the goofy way J1 is taking pictures now, usually with his tongue out or making a face. I see Jeff when J1 still gamely eats the gluten free chocolate chip cookies that did not cook correctly and instead turned into cookie brittle on the sheet. I hear Jeff when J1 proudly tells me he taught himself to write in cursive. I see Jeff as J1 helped his grandfather build shelves in the basement.
I see Jeff in the boy that always had eyes on his father. I look at pictures I took and Jeff is where J1's attention was. I never resented it, I always loved that J1 was so attached to his father.
Even though now J1 is suffering greater than you can imagine. I see only me, when J1 strikes out in anger. I see myself when J1 stomps off yelling "it's not fair". I see me when J1 has a fit because there is no time to ride his GoKart. I hear myself when he cries.
I wonder sometimes how their grief will ultimately shape my boys as adults. Will they learn that life is not fair but still worth it? Will they still trust themselves to love and loose? Will they adapt to life's pain or hide from it? Will there be enough Jeff in them to counter my influence?
It is hard to watch your child suffer. I can't take his pain away anymore than I can my own. A love so great can only bring you equal pain when it is gone. How is it fair that a 7 year old has to learn that life lesson when I am learning it at 40?
Sincerely,
Jeff's Wife
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