Depression's reedy fingers have a hold of my ankle threatening to pull my head underwater. I had a rough week (http://survivingaftersudep.blogspot.com/2013/10/spirals.html) and I just didn't snap out of it. My sadness was compounded by the dread I felt in awaiting test results for my youngest child.
Fear, dread, anxiety, anticipation is just fuel for the Molotov cocktail that is depression. I slept too much (not enough), ate too much (way too much), drank too much (just right) and did the minimum of exercise all week (my bad). I didn't have the energy to do much other than worry about myself and my child.
Thursday came and went and I was relieved to get good (ish) news about my boy. But strangely, even as the sun was shining and the world wasn't turned upside down for me: I didn't snap out of it. I thought for sure, after my appointment on Thursday that I would be OK again.
And then I realized: I haven't been OK since February 26th 2012.
I'm not the same, I will never be the same and I am definitely not OK. I have subscribed to the "fake it until you make it" mentality of daily life with my kids. I don't want to rain on their parade so I put on the brave face and soldier on. Right now, I am questioning my ability to even do that.
Grief is strange. I don't know if it is the time of year, the impending holidays, or if as a friend of mine put it: "I was just due". But I've been into darkness for 10 days now and I don't have a flashlight.
Sincerely,
Jeff's Wife
No comments:
Post a Comment